Sunday, October 31, 2010

Rules for a Safe Halloween

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and
Happy Halloween.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER
check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has
gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they should not know, shoot them
immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long
run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill
them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak
with somebody else’s voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off
and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open por-
tals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.
This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud
noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not
check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s pro-
bably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless
you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip
or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shamb-
ling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up
with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit un-
characteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for
blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on,
kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some
of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Tran-
sylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize
this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine (or Alabama).

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road,
do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone
for help. If you think that it is strange because you
thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead.
You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery,
now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies
to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or
died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
performed satanic practices in your house.

Ok, so I got this in an email from my mom, I don’t know who wrote it, I sure as hell didn’t, and I don’t take credit, I’m just putting it up because I think it’s an awesome and I don’t feel like waiting until next year to post it because I’ll have forgotten by then. Hence the double post. Deal with it.

As an added note, remember that if you enter a dark place with no light you are likely to be eaten by a grue.

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